Irrevocable
by cmeo
Summary: Set after Pursuit. After the funeral of Sonya Paxton, everything irrevocably changes for Elliot and Olivia. Bensler all the way. Elliot is divorced from Kathy and Eli doesn't exist.


**Sooo this is my first Bensler fic...I'm not new to writing (although I only have one other story posted on here...) so this isn't my first go-around, but I am new to writing for Elliot and Olivia, so please be kind. I am actually very proud of this story and enjoyed writing it immensely. Some of my friends can tell you this has been a LONG, LONG time coming, so I'm happy to present this to you!**

**Set after Pursuit. Elliot divorced Kathy and Eli doesn't exist.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing...literally nothing.**

It is unseasonably warm for a December afternoon in New York City. The sun beats down on their heavy shoulders and the irony of the beautiful weather is not lost on anyone as their somber moods permeate through the cemetery trees. As sunny and warm as it is, Olivia is cold. Everything about her is cold; her stare, her attitude, her body. She thinks it should be raining, because that's the weather in which funerals are held. She wonders how the sun is still allowed to happily shine down on them on such a miserable occasion.

They all had their issues with ADA Sonya Paxton, but when the precinct learned of her murder, their badges were quickly shielded in black bands to signify a loss of life. Sonya was not a cop, but she was one of them; a part of their lives and this is the best way they can honor her memory. Now, the entire precinct sits under a large oak tree, listening to prayers and silently lifting their gratitude that it wasn't them this time.

Olivia is not a religious woman. Never has been. There may have been a time once when she was a teen where she wanted to believe in God, but after her mother came and threatened her life with a broken bottle of vodka, she lost all faith. Today, however, she bows her head and closes her eyes, the Lord's Prayer falling through her lips from memory. Elliot is sat to her left and glances sideways to see a lone tears escape Olivia's closed eye. He reaches for one of her hands that are clasped in her lap and when she feels the contact, she jumps a little but her eyes remain closed. She gives him her hand without question, upturning her palm against his so they can interlace their fingers. He pulls their joined hands into his lap and she squeezes his in desperation. She is telling him, in the only language she knows how, that this cannot happen to them. Sitting here, under this oak tree, listening to the life and times of Sonya Paxton is not how they will end up losing each other. Olivia is making sure he knows this and when he squeezes her hand back, she expels a breath through pursed lips as the tears roll freely down her cheeks.

A silent agreement between partners. That's all this is. Of course she loves him. She always has, but it has never extended beyond the realm of their professional partnership. When he squeezes her hand back, she knows he gets it. She knows he understands that it will not come down to this for them. She refuses to sit there on a sunny day and watch his body be lowered into the Earth. Instead, it will be cold and raining and he will be an old, old man who lived his life to the fullest. No regrets. That is what she wants for both of them out of this life because a lifetime full of regrets is not a life at all.

She knows if she stays in the unit any longer, it will suck the life out of her. They are walking back to their car and he has yet to let go of her hand. He understands this is hard for her to see. After her mother died, she had not attended a funeral of someone she truly cared about, until today. This is his way of letting her know he is there for her. He always will be.

They reach the car and she looks up at him as he opens the door for her.

"I don't know how much longer I can do this. It all becomes so, shockingly real when things like this happen."

He shifts his stance so Olivia is now between the open door and his body. He brings his hand up to her cheek, caressing her smooth skin with his gloved thumb. "We started this together and we will end this together. When you're ready, you tell me. I will be right there with you handing in my badge and gun. You're my partner. I couldn't fathom working with anyone else but you. When you're done, I'm done."

Leaning into his touch, Olivia closes her eyes and simply sighs.

"Take me home. If you don't have plans, we can order a pizza and watch a movie. I just don't feel like being alone right now." She sounds needy. She knows she does. But at this point in time she doesn't care and she hopes like hell he understands why her need to be close to him is stronger today than any other ordinary day.

Elliot smiles and nods. "That sounds like a great idea. Pick up a 6-pack on the way?"

"Yeah. As long as I get to pick the beer this time."

"Deal. But none of that girly, apple ale shit."

Olivia scoffs as he slides into the driver seat. "Whatever, you know you love it."

The silence has always come easily to them. They don't have to fill the empty air with words to be able to communicate. They had both deposited their hats and gloves in the backseat of the sedan and she has since unpinned her hair, allowing it to fall freely around her shoulders. As he parks the car on the street outside of her apartment, she gets out and grabs the beer, walking up the stairs side by side. She hands him the beer as she digs for her keys to open the door. He walks inside first, setting the beer down on the kitchen counter. She turns to shut and lock the door, but is frozen in place. Her forehead rests against the coolness of the entryway and she closes her eyes again. The chill from the cemetery is creeping back into her bones and although she wants to take this next step, both literally and figuratively, she isn't quite sure how.

"Hey, Liv. Everything all right?" She turns around and plants her palms firmly against the door as if it is her only anchor to the ground beneath her feet. She looks at him and something on her face must say _I'm scared_ because the next thing she knows he is pressing her further into the door and her hands fly up around his neck, anchoring her body to him instead. He is her living, breathing life preserver. He knows how to keep her afloat.

Her fingers clasp around the nape of his neck and she buries her face into the spot where his shoulder meets his clavicle. She wishes it was his bare skin. She's crying and he thinks he has done something horribly wrong, but as she clings to him tighter, he knows this has nothing and everything to do with today.

Her muffled cries almost drown out her words, but his ears are so attuned to her voice that he's sure she could whisper from across the room and he would hear her loud and clear.

"I don't want to lose you. I've been with you almost every day for 12 years. If we both decide it's time then where does that leave us, huh?"

He turns his head to where she is hiding and nudges his nose against her hair, willing her to look at him. Her eyes are bloodshot, her cheeks are stained with tear tracks, and he just wants to kiss her. So he does. Her lips are pliant and willing against his as she opens her mouth to him. He slips his tongue against hers, tasting her for the first time. A small moan escapes her throat and she gingerly lifts one leg and gives a half-hearted hop into his arms as she secures herself around his waist. He can tell she's tired. So tired. From all of it. And she is finally allowing him to take care of her in the most trusting and intimate of ways. How the hell he got so lucky, he will never, ever know.

Pulling back, he leans his forehead against hers and whispers, "If you're willing, then it leaves me right here. Right where I've always been. Beside you."

Olivia kisses him this time. Elliot maneuvers them towards her bedroom and as his tongue slides across hers, she is acutely aware that a monumental change is about to occur in their relationship. She immediately panics. He feels her change of attitude in the way her body tenses and he lets her anchor her feet to the ground again.

He doesn't say anything as he watches her run her fingers through her hair. She does it when she's nervous and he knows this. Elliot watches as the wheels turn in her eyes. He takes a step forward, cautious of her body language, and reaches out to her. He is invading her space and suddenly she can't think straight. Or breathe, for that matter. Her eyes widen and she looks at him. She knows he's about to speak and she's not sure if she can take what he has to say.

"Liv…I just…don't you get it? This is it for me. _You_ are it for me. I love you and that isn't going to change. Ever. I want you with me in this life. I want us to actually _have_ a life together. Not just exist in each other's presence. I'm all in. For you." In this moment, Olivia knows this man is her future. He has spent 12 years beside her and she wants him for the foreseeable future not only beside her, but inside her. All around her. He has a death grip on her soul and she couldn't care less. She is so in love with this man. So completely in love with him she actually finds it slightly absurd how much she has come to depend on seeing him, needing him, every day.

She looks at him as her hands come up to wrap around his. She believes him. She really does. And this is all happening so fast that she can't help but feel the inevitability of it all. Of them.

She slides her palms up his forearms and around his neck. "I believe you. I trust you."

Her slender fingers travel to the lapels of his jacket before beginning to undo the buttons. She concentrates on the task at hand and she feels his eyes on her. She looks up at him through her lashes and bites her bottom lip. She's being flirty and Elliot smirks at how quickly the air between them has changed. When she arrives at the last button, Olivia pops it out of the loop and runs her hands up the vast expanse of muscle on his chest. He still hasn't made a move to touch her, scared that if he moves too fast she will retreat. She may be flirting, but she's still Olivia; the same woman who ran to Oregon when things got _too complicated_. Sliding his jacket off his shoulders, her hands travel back down to his and she pulls him to her. This is the invitation he had been waiting for. He takes his time undressing her, savoring all of it. She lies back on the bed, now completely void of clothing, as he drops his boxer-briefs and climbs in next to her.

It's real now. She feels his body weight pressing against her, his hardness warming her inner thigh. She feels his lips against her neck, and he quickly learns this is her favorite spot to be kissed.

Pulling back, he searches her face for any apprehension, and finds nothing but readiness and want.

"I love you. You have to know that. You need to know that."

Olivia wipes a tear away and smiles as she gives a slight nod and she raises her head to kiss him.

"I love you, too, Elliot. I love you, too."

He moves to completely cover her body with his and when he interlaces their fingers above her head, she feels him slowly push into her. Normally, she would close her eyes in this moment because she finds it too personal to look at the man currently invading her body, but it's Elliot and she wants to be present for every single second of this.

His other hand is placed on her hip, while she holds her free hand around his neck, keeping him as close as she possibly can. His blue eyes are boring into hers and in this moment, here with him, Olivia knows this is everything she has ever needed.

She involuntarily shivers from the chill he is slowly dispelling from her bones. With every thrust, he brings warmth. His hands on her body bring healing and comfort. Every touch of his lips to her skin is a whispered promise of a new life. A new beginning. For both of them.

When she gasps, he is right there aligning his lips with hers, breathing air into her lungs as she rides out her sudden climax. He is breaking her down and building her up all in once and she isn't sure whether to cry or moan from the intensity.

As he continues to move inside of her, he doesn't bother asking if she's on the pill. When they lock eyes, he realizes they are both far beyond caring if she gets pregnant or not. She knows now he would give her all the children in the world if she wanted them and because of this, Olivia knows he isn't leaving her side. He was right. This is it for him. For them.

She has never felt more connected to anything or anyone than the minute he spills himself inside of her, triggering her second orgasm.

The following day, they show up at the precinct and simultaneously hand in their badges. Cragen knew it was coming the moment Elliot took Olivia's hand at the funeral. It was only a matter of time. He congratulates both of them and wishes them well and as they are about to walk out the door, he adds that they better not be strangers. Olivia smiles and walks back over to Don, crushing him in a hug and thanking him for being the father she never had. He kisses her head and sends them on their way.

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO

Two months after their first night together, Olivia hurries to the pharmacy on her way home and buys one of each pregnancy test she can find. She took up a job teaching English at an elementary school, while Elliot trained recruits for the Academy. When she calls Elliot and tells him to come home because she needs him, he rushes to the apartment to find her sitting on the floor of the bathroom with six tests spread out in front of her; all of them showing two blue lines or a plus sign. He can tell she has been crying. He knows she's scared that suddenly he will realize he won't be able to handle it and he'll run. Or that she will make a horrible mother because it's in her blood. So when he reaches for her hand and gathers her up in his arms, she wraps her arms around his neck as he gently lifts her legs to wrap around his waist. He carries her to their bed and chases away every ounce of fear from her body as he makes love to her over and over again.

Charlotte Reese and Christopher Ryan are born on October 13th at 5:58am. Olivia has never been so unprepared for anything in her life than the moment she sees Elliot holding their son and daughter for the first time. Elliot has Christopher in his left arm and Charlotte in his right as he beams with fatherly pride. She is suddenly overcome with an overwhelming sense of pride and joy as he places one child in each of her arms, kissing her hairline near her temple.

"Liv." She tilts her head up and he leans down to kiss her. She responds by pushing her tongue past his lips. Charlotte begins to cry and they break apart. He watches her intently, witnessing her motherly instinct take over. Olivia soothes her infant back to sleep and kisses the top of her small head.

"El. I think I'm gonna be all right at this parenting thing." She scoots over so he can sit on the bed next to her, wrapping them all up in his arms.

Kissing the back of her head, he places his chin on her shoulder, looking down at the sleeping bundles in her arms. Gently kissing her neck, he whispers against her exposed skin. "Baby, I'm so proud of you. I think we're all gonna do just fine."

Epilogue:

He is laid to rest on a cold December Thursday, two months shy of his 93rd birthday. The trees are barren and the wind is whipping around Olivia's frail frame.

Just like all those years ago, Olivia bows her head to pray. Only this time she is smiling. It is a cold day, the snow steadily falling from the grey sky. This is how it is supposed to be. There is nothing happy about today, and yet she still feels a warmth creeping into her soul. She lifts her head, eyes closed, as the snowflakes batter he cheeks and eyelashes. She sucks in a breath, the chilly air filling her lungs.

When the prayers are over, she stands and walks to the coffin, shrugging off any help from her two children. She will do this on her own. As the family files out to the waiting cars, Olivia stands beside her husband; her partner in this life and the next. The priest offers his condolences to her and gives her some privacy to say goodbye.

She feels the smooth mahogany beneath her fingertips and memories flood her mind. _Charlotte and Chris' first birthday when Elliot proposed to her. They both kneeled down to help blow out the candles. Olivia stood up, but Elliot remained crouched on the floor. There, in front of their friends and family, he had asked her to spend forever by his side. Her answer was a resounding yes._ As her palm stops just below the flowers on his casket, she thinks back to their wedding day, when she wore the same flower in her hair. _They had eloped to the Dominican Republic. The twins stayed with Maureen and her husband while Olivia and Elliot enjoyed a perfect honeymoon on the white, sandy beaches of their rented home La Playa Grande. They vowed to buy a place down there and bring the children on family vacations. Five years later, when the twins turned six, they pinched a large chunk of their savings and turned that vow into a reality. It was the best decision they had ever made. _Shakily, her hand continues its journey towards the head of the casket. She knows underneath the wood and cushioning, his face is frozen in a peaceful slumber. The same face she has woken up to every morning for the past 51 years. She can still see and feel the lines and dips and crevices she has come to memorize over the years. She wishes she could run her hand across those features just once more. She would give anything to see his eyes open just one more time from the feel of her touch.

"I'm right behind you sweetheart. Wait for me." She leans down and places a gentle kiss against the head of the casket as her tears soak into the grain of the wood.

Another gust of wind blows through her silver hair and she knows it's time to go. She will be back, though, before too long. Her heart is already cracked. She knows it's only a matter of time and she is ok with that. They have raised two beautiful children who are leaving their own mark on the world. A legacy. A bloodline she could be proud of instead of her tainted past. It all became a reality the day Elliot made love to her for the first time. Their daughter grew up to become an SVU detective just like her parents, while their son blossomed into one of the most effective ADAs the city has ever seen. The Stabler name is still synonymous with the law and neither Olivia nor Elliot could have ever asked for more. Olivia can leave this world with the peace of knowing she and Elliot left it better than when they arrived.

She does just that less than one month later. Charlotte finds her mother in bed, having passed in her sleep. Clinically, they will say she died of a heart attack. In reality, everyone knows she died of a broken heart. Elliot and Olivia were so in love, it only made sense they would fall in sync even in death. Olivia had vowed to stand by his side forever, and as her casket is lowered into the ground, that is exactly where she will remain.


End file.
